Below are the 19 most recent journal entries recorded in nettie973's LiveJournal:

Saturday, July 21st, 2007
11:40 pm	Harry Potter All I can say J.K. Rowlings is bravo. It has been 7 years and 5 months, almost to the day since I first learned about Harry Potter. And I will be honest. The book sat on my shelf for at least 2 years. But come on. A boy with a scar and a train on the cover? Really not that interesting to a teenage girl. However, from the moment I began reading that book, I've been hooked. Not insanely as in I would count down the release moment or anything but I enjoy them. I do own every single one. This is an ode to the last book specifically. Mostly because I am too tired to write a lot and I have to be at work in a few hours but here we go. It was a non-stop book. You went from one event to another, one place to another. Introduced more characters and lost important ones. The book ends with the three heroes we started with but we've lost so many we loved along the way. Tonks and Lupin dying and leaving Teddy as Harry's godson was totally like Sirius and Harry. Except this time it was a happy ending cause he still had some family. I also loved the way they threw in the Snape explanation. I would have never guessed that Petunia's anger was because she was not invited into the school and though Snape and Lily were friends I didn't realize he was so much in love with her. Plus the retracing of his memories really tied all the books together. I also think the introduction of the deathly Hallows was inspired. It seemed like a completely different plot, something like a filler because it was so different from the horicruxs that you probably didn't have to include it HOWEVER, it all seemed to be nicely tied together. And Harry talking to Dumbledore while he was "dead" clarified things. You didn't finish the book going uh? What about this? What about that? But I have to say the best part was the nineteen years later. Ron and Hermione together. Harry and Ginny. Neville a teacher. The kids names after famous people who died. It was brilliant. Granted, very happily ever after but a very good end to a very good series. Brilliant absolutely brilliant (Comment on this)
Monday, July 16th, 2007
11:23 pm	Pandora I've always been puzzled by one part of the Pandora's box story. In case you don't know, Pandora was the first woman in Greek History . Hephaestus created her on Zeuses orders to punish Prometheus stealing the fire for man. Pandora opened a container jar (pithos) releasing all the evils of mankind— greed, vanity, slander, envy, pining— leaving only hope inside once she had closed it again. Hope then convinced her to let him out. This was the part of the myth that always got me. The jar contained all the evils of mankind. Hope was in the jar. Therefore hope ought to be one of the evils. This philosopy has been examined by professionals but here are my thoughts on it. Hope is an evil. If hope hadn<t been an evil, the other evils would have torn it apart while they were trapped in the jar. On a side note, isn"t it funny how a woman is always blamed for the downfall of paradise. Eve and her apple, Pandora and her box to continue. Hope encourages when we ought to stop. When all appears lost and we still have jope we will trudge on. We are never without hope. Even in a so called hopeless situation there is that slight chance that a difference could be made. Hope still exists. It drives people tp their demise, their emotional destruction and even there physical death. Hope was coniving enough to talk his way out of the jar. SUch a desception must be evil. Trye, not everyone shares this sentiment but wait until you fall in love and that love is not returned. You say it is hopeless but if it was so, you would not love them. Or a soldier who goes to war. Hopefull that he will survive just to be completely oblivorated by a road side bomb. We are always hopefull and we live in disappointement because sometimes "Hope" doesnt come through for us. We lose and we feel terrible. If we didn<t have hope to begin with that loss would not be as great. We may not even realize that losing is "bad". We will never live in the absence of hope in any aspect of our lives. Hope exists in everyone just like greed, vanity, slander, envy, and pining exist in everyone. It is true that some have more of one then the others and some people have very little of them all but they are all still present and potentially dangerous. Just like Hope. (Comment on this)
1:34 pm	AHH MEN In the world of men, I am expected to be an expert. I always seem to be surrounded by men but heres the catch. I DONT GET THEM AT ALL. I am not that pretty or that smart or anything all the spectacular. My personality definately leaves something to be desired but still. I want for once, to have a guy FRIEND who I can hang with and cuddle with and be close to without him falling for me. Any time I get close to a guy, he starts to like me, which is sweet, I'm not going to lie. That is until I tell him that I just want to be his friend. Then they get all defensive and start makeing me feel like crap for ''leading them on'' when I thought I was just building on a friendship. It doesn't help that them likeing me confuses me into thinking that I might like them so I prolong the period in which I know he likes me and he thinks we are building towards a dating relationship meanwhile I am trying to decide how to let him down gently. Well fuck it. I so wish I were ugly and boring. At least then I wouldn't have to deal with hurting as many bloody guys as I do now. (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 15th, 2007
2:48 pm	There is still hope for the world. You know that the world has not decended into complete darkness when the front page picture is of a dog in a pool on a hot day. I don't know why that imaged grabbed me like it did but it just made me stop and think that the world is not completely written off.There is still joy, there is still love and there is still fun. Lets live on. (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 17th, 2007
11:31 pm	Their love did NOT bring down the kingdom SO, I just watched Tristan and Isolde and LOVED it. Kinda depressing but it showed how utterly destructive love can be. Especially If you are too stupid to tell the ones you love about how you feel. For example. If Tristan had taken Marke Aside and told him the truth, Marke could have proclaimed she was too marry Tristan for some explanable reason. Then, England would have united, the irish defeated and everyone would have lived almost happily ever after. I get that if that was how it played out, there wouldn't have really been a story, but A girl can dream, can't she?? Anyways, this is a short post cause I start my new job tomorrow. And I have a list of about a million things to do in about and hours time but, I can just drive fast and pray there aren't any cops on the road. Love you Lau (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 5th, 2007
11:15 pm	Unfortunately Free Unfortunately, I have freed myself. I have severed contact with the guy I love. Why do you ask? Because its too hard to love him and know that he wants nothing to do with me. We fought all the time. Never got along, Too different. But I loved him. I truely did. The whole saying, you never know what you've got until its gone. So true. Now, he doesn't know what love is, let alone that I love him. And he never will. And I shall never speak to him again but I've been freed. Freed of the guilt I have carried with me since Andrew. Free of the stereotype of always having a boyfriend. Freed from everything. The weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I have Phil to thank. I have given him a piece of my heart whether or not he knows it or cares. I heard a story once about a guy who had a perfect heart. He was so proud that his heart was so perfect. One day he met and old man and showed him his perfect heart. The old man then showed him his heart. It was missing chunks and had diffent pieces that didn't quite fit. The yound man was discusted until the old man explained. "I used to have a perfect heart but as I lived, I gave part of my heart away. Sometimes I got a piece back in return, other times I did not. This heart is not perfect but it is beautiful," Moved by what the old man had said, the young man took a piece out of his perfect heart and gave it to the old man who in return gave him a piece. It didn't quite fit but the young man now knew that his heart was more beautiful. I have loved and been loved in return. Now I have loved and have not been loved in return. My heart is missing a piece but it is more beautiful then ever before. Thank you Phil. God bless and may you live and love (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 10th, 2007
9:19 pm	Funny Isn't it Funny how you can change who you are. By pretending to be someone else you become that person. Your thought process changes and your actions change and you change. You go from being the person you wanted to be to the person everyone else wanted you to be. The problem is they won't let you go back. You are stuck in the ever spinning world in this be person that you aren't. You can say, I am going to be who I want to be but everyone else thinks its an act. It all depends on perspective. They can't deal with it. You go out dancing and act outgoing. That doesn't mean you are. You choose who you are, you make yourself. You mold yourself either in to the person others want you to be or into the opposite of what others want you to be. Your decision is based on other peoples opinions. There is no other way. Opinions are what create your perception of the world and your place in it. Its like a trap. Once you start falling there is no way to catch yourself. You keep falling deeper and deeper and even if heaven sends you a branch, the momentum of your fall will break it. Sure, you will slow down. Long enough to look up at all you've lost and then you will keep falling. Down, Down, Down. Now, the test is this. Change who you are. Simple. Just do it. People may never catch on. They may always look at you as the idiot who never did well or the jock or the slut but change anyways. Be who you want to be and screw the rest of the world. We are only here once and it is our lives that we are going to be looking back on. Sure you can have fun and looking back i hope you don't regret it. But what I want to do is be able to look back on my life and be able to tell my children that my life may not have been great, or super fun or even all that memorable but it was my life, the one I choose not based on everybody and everything else but based on me and what I wanted for my life. Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 14th, 2007
1:26 pm	I Don't know who Rachel is but I LOVE this Subject: 90's Kids Date: Wed, 07 Feb 2007 17:50:51 +0000 Anybody under the age of 13 should not read this, and if you do, you should not repost this. Just because you were born in '97 doesn't mean you're a 90's kid. It's not like you could remember the original Simpsons. I am sorry but three conscious years of the 90's just wont cut it. You're a 90's kid if: (every single one of these are awesome!!!) You can finish this [ice ice _ _ _ _ ] You remember watching Doug, Ren & Stimpy, Pinky and the Brain , and Two Stupid Dogs. AAAAAAAH Real Monsters! You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!" You just cant resist finishing this . . . "Iiiiiiin west philladelphia born and raised . . ." You remember TGIF, Step by Step, Family Matters, Dinosaurs, and Boy Meets World. You remember when 2Pac and Selena died. You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons. You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail and Reader Rabbit day in computer class at school. You remember reading "Goosebumps". You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school. You remember the craze and then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence . . . not . . . when everyhting was settled by rock paper scissors..or bubble gum bubble gum in a dish...and even better daddy had a donkey inky binky bonky. when cops and robers was a daily activity. when we played Hide and go seek until our legs grew numb. when we used to obey our parents....ouch You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record your FAVORITE song of ALL time. "Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?" was both a game and a TV game show. Captain Planet. He's a Hero. You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green ranger, were meant to be together. You remember when Super Nintendo's and Sega Genisis became popular. You always wanted to send in a tape to America's Funniest Home Videos . . . but never taped anything funny. You remember watching Home Alone 1, 2 , and 3 . . . and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders". You remember watching The Magic School Bus, Wishbone, and Reading Rainbow on PBS. You remember when Yomega Yo-Yos were cool. You remember those Where's Waldo books. You remember when Mortal Kombat Was "Da Bomb!" You remember eating Warheads. You remember watching the 1st Batman, Aladin, Ninja Turtles, and 3 Ninjas movies. You remember Ring Pops. You remember drinking Fruitopia, Surge, and Tang. If you memeber when every thing was "da BOMB!" When they made the new lunchables so that you could make pizza AND tacos. You remember boom boxes vs. cd players. Writing M.A.S.H. notes. Making those little paper fortune cookie things, and then predicting your life with them. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell". You played and/or collected "Pogs"/ You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet, or Nano and brought it everywhere. You haven't always had a computer, and it was cool to have the internet. You watched the original cartoons of Rugrats, Power Rangers, and Ninja Turtles. You had a favorite "New Kid on the Block", and you knew all of their. names You remember Bewitched, Jump 5, S-Club 7, and that whole period with the boy bands and pop divas. You remeber exactly where you were and what you were doing the first time you saw a Brittney Spears or N'SYNC video. Michael Jordan was a king. YIKES pencils and erasers were the stuff! All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand. You remember when the new Beanie Babies and Talking Elmo were always sold out. You collected those Beanie Babies. Growing Pains. Carebears and The Gummy Bear show. Gak was the coolest stuff invented. Lambchop's song never ended. The old dollar bills. Silver dollars, wich were cool to have. You remember a time before the WB. You collected all the Troll dolls You owned a portable tape player. If you even know what an original walkman is. You remember wanting to sit on the orange Nickelodeon couch. You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?" You know the Macarena by heart. "Talk to the hand" . . . enough said/ You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!" You know the significance of the number 23. You went to McD's to play in the playplace. You remember playing on merry go rounds at the play ground. Before the MySpace frenzy . . . Before the Internet & text messaging . . . Before Sidekicks & iPods . . . Before MIKE JONES . . . Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX . . . Before Sponge Bob . . . Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night. When light up sneakers were cool. When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs. When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing. When we recorded stuff on VCRs. When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off our walkmans. When the Chicago Bulls were the best team ever. Way back. WHEN YOU TRADED POKEMON CARDS FOR A LIVING. Before we realized all this would eventually disappear. Who would have thought you'd miss the 90's so much!!!!! Post this in your bulletin if you remember these days . . . . If you grew up in the 90's you've gotta read this!!! Rachel (Comment on this)
Monday, February 12th, 2007
12:07 am	My definition of happyness: Hugs and Kisses, Teddy bears and Hippos. There is so an inside joke between that and my soon-to-be-boyfriend. But today was just one of those days. I got up early, had breakfast with steven. Went shopping, bought socks. Watched 2 movies. (Final Fantasy and Kill Bill.) Played on the piano, hung out with the rents. Went to the hockey game with Phil. (Went to talk to his friend Ted at the first periode and got our seats upgraded to row 9 because the people who usually sat there weren't there. Just had fun. I felt so good cuddling up to him while we watched TV and then kissing goodbye in his car before the left. I am so tired and I have a ton of homework to do but I am on top of the world. I hope this feeling lasts forever and ever. I am most at ease with him and crazy about how I feel about me when I am with him. True, I am scared about how my friends will react when I tell them but I know they will accept it after a while. Everyone who knows as of now is ok with us. I just have hope. Now hope is a funny thing. David and I had a really long discussion about hope the other night after I drove him home from Jill's party. We identified yet another problem with me. I never let go of hope. Ever. I still have hope in relationships I end. I have hope for people who are dying or dead. I have hope in ever situation. And its odd because the devoid of hope is something I always viewed as bad and ironically it is the excess of hope which is driving me insane. I trust that it will eventually happen. That I will lose hope in a situation, that I will get over my fear of sex, that I will figure out what I want to do with my life. I'm just...lost. Lost in the wonders of life and of living but at the same time missing out on everything. I am a walking contradiction and I kinda like it. (Comment on this)
Friday, February 9th, 2007
12:06 am	My soul is flying high but my head is stuck in the sand. Its not too comfortable. Logic sucks. There is really no point to argue when your heart feels one way and you head feels another. It is odd to feel so free and full of life but at the same time feel like your life is going nowhere. I don't know what I want with my life. Do I want to be a teacher, an accountant, a pharmacist, a wife or an author? Could I honestly pull any of them off? Is it something I would enjoy doing? I feel like I should be happy. Like I have the whole world open to me. But even though I feel free, I feel like I am being sufficated. The world is too big and I play too small of a role. I have so much to do yet I feel like I am doing the bear minimum. I am also very comfortable in my life. I work and go to school and live a life of luxury. I have enough money to keep me happy and everything always seems to be going well. I have guys that are interested. I have friends. I have loving parents. I soon will have a condo all to myself. I have a job that pays well. I'm doing OK in school. But I am happy. Yet everything feels like it is about to fall apart. Its a wierd feeling and one I am all to familiar with. I think I will just try to ride it out. Between today and friday I have one lab due, one stat's homework and one midterm. Then I have all of reading week to catch up. And I had better because I have a midterm the day I get back. But then I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Which is good and bad. After reading week we have a month and a week of classes and then two weeks of exams and then summer (yahoo). No road trip but still time to not think about school. The only downfall is that the guy I am falling for (yes I am falling for yet another guy and hard too)is going to be going away for the summer. Working in the Fort for the summer. And doing a Co-Op or apprentise thing for the new 4 months. It is going to suck. But I am just going to roll with it. To roll with the punches, follow my hunches Loving the way it feels Aaron Pritchett (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 6th, 2007
12:23 am	The Jerk That Is Me and The Way I feel So, I over react a lot. Take this example, tomorrow is tuesday and guess what, its the day Phil and I usually hang out. However, since I said no to him coming over and spending the night ( because I am not a friken hotel and its after midnight) he was like, well since I have to get up early tomorrow, I should be going to bed. Well screw you. So I said I might see him tomorrow or I might not. And then I said oh but I need you to give me a ride. And then I said, Oh I guess I can take the bus. he didn't really say anything. I guess I should just avoid him. Maybe then he will realize that I am not a nice person and he will break it off. I would really hate that but at least it would save me the trouble and heart ache. Well, I guess that is just that but he needs to realize that even if we were dating, my home, as messy and open as it is, is not a hotel and definiately not one in which you can waltz in at all hours of the morning expecting bed and breakfast. In all honestly, I would love to have him over because at least that means I would get up and go to class. Plus, its kinda nice to crawl into bed with him in the morning and cuddle. Whatever. Maybe if he comes over before 11. Thats going to be my limit. Unless he is drunk and is otherwise driving home. (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 4th, 2007
10:23 pm	The weirdness that is my thoughts and feelings So, its be an odd week. It was great but terrible. It was complete yet empty. I don't know how exactally to explain it. One, Stephen and I got in our first fight. He told me he hated when people talked to one another in a language he couldn't understand and then I said goodbye and have a good night to Phil in French. Then I had to come back to his comment of " what did I tell you earlier about people talking in other languages" and I had to answer that with " where did you think I got the idea". Anyways, so after Phil left I talked to him. He was really upset and wanted to hit something, and wouldn't hit me, so I took him to the gym. I crotchet on a ball while watching him obliterate a punching bag. (Keep in mind this was like 1 in the morning). Then we talked. He complained about my life and how Jared and I breaking up had given him hope that maybe he could get a girlfriend before I got my next boyfriend and then there was Phil. And it was a great heart to heart talk in which I really can't divuldge anymore information on his part. Then I complained about my life. I told him that I would give anything to have his life of solitude, him and his piano and his music and his job. I told him how I used to be shy and quite and I remembered my first day of grade 7 not saying anything to anyone until they talked to me. And then how I became more assertive and less scared and shy and how I would give anything to take it all back and go back to being that naive little girl. I told him how that when Phil mentioned going to work up north in practical isolation I was jealous. I want to live in a log cabin with my books and my mind and nature and nothing else. No people, no computer no job other then surviving. I don't want to be the funloving, outgoing girl everyone sees me as. I want to be the lowly librarian who no one ever talks to. Sure I have my passions but I love the old fashion way of life. I pride myself on being independant yet at the same time I want someone to depend on. I truely feel like I am caught between two worlds. The one I want to belong to and the one I currently belong to and loath. I am tired of being the slutty(in the sense that I always have a guy and not the sense that I sleep around because that is just gross) girl who always acts wild and how I want to. I am tired or being the one who has to come up with new fun things to do instead of just going drinking. I miss reading until all hours of the night and experiencing life through my books. I miss living on the acreage and never really hanging out with anyone or doing anything. I miss being able to play the piano and enjoying hitting the right notes. My whole world is so different and I hate it. All I do it seems like is socialize. I sleep less now then I ever did and I am still doing less and less and less. I rarely study, sure I work but only 3.5 hours a day. If you compare that put together with the time I spend in lectures (which is 3 hours a day on average.) you get less time spent at school and at work then I spent at school. Yet I do nothing, it seems, but socialize. And I hate it. Thats it for me for tonight. I do have studying todo, but I probably won't do it. (Comment on this)
Friday, February 2nd, 2007
12:48 am	I'm a flickerer So, a lot has changed. I haven't written in a while and well, reading my last entry made me laugh out loud based on what has happened. One, I have decided to go out with my friend Phil. Yep, shocker. Going from, I need to be without men to having a new one not ever 5 weeks after having broken up with Jared. What you might ask, brought about this change in heart? well, it was a wierd day dream that desolve the feelings of reservation which I had In the past couple of days, I have been fantasizing about my dream home. I've even been crazy enough to look up different objects, candelsticks, wall mirrors, iron staircases old style fireplaces ect. So this is were my day dream came from It all starts with my friend Phil and I being just really good friends. He is about to get married and I am saving up to build my house. So he catches his financé cheating on him with one of his grooms men and therefore the wedding is off. Naturally, he comes crying to me, his friend, going on and on about how his life sucks and he will never fall in love again and how he had all this money saved up for the wedding and now he didn't know what to do with it. He said he couldn't keep it because he would just drink it all away. I make the suggestion, hey why don't you led me the money for my house. You can stay in it for free whenever you aren't working up North. That way, I can get started on the building and you are putting your money into a good investement. He agrees and so it is done I build the house myself, with the help of my parents and Phil when he is around. So about a year later, it is finished. Everything is exactally how I imagined it. The foyer is a jungle theme and it is all greens and browns (old style hardwood thoughout the entire house)The is a vine growing up the iron spiral staircase. To the left is the dinning room, midievil style with a huge dark oak table and high back chairs. The room is grey with thick red curtains. The only lighting stems from a chandeler whose lights actually flicker like that of real candels. Two tall candle sticks are on the table and there is another upwright chandeler in the far north corner. The 6 foot old style fireplace is lit with real wood, none of this gas crap) and on the mantle is an antique dragon bowl. At the far end, through the thick wood door is a bright room. Red walls instile passion and life, orange curtains with little yellow specks cover two enourmous windows that fill the room with brightness and two black bookshelves frame the door from the dining room. In the middle is a large wooden desk and three chairs. On the desk there is a red and orange lava lamp and above the desk is a giant bright red light. This is the computer room/office. It happens to be where I write my novels. I'm a fiction writer. and a very good one, I hope. Out the side door or the office is the room of four seasons. I am not entirely sure how this will be but it is almost completely windows and is separated from the country kitchen by only a half wall. The kitchen is a sort of yellowish orange. Very bright and countrish. The table is wood, but a lighter wood, maple maybe and definitely antique and worn. To the left of the entrance is the parlor which I am not exactally sure with what to do and then the entertainment room. This is a special room because the wall between it and the parlor can me moved up against the windows of the parlor and all the walls are covered with mirrors so it can be a dancing hall and big dark black curtains for when we are watching our ginormous TV. There is a huge comfy black couch, definately not leather. The final room on the main floor is the music room. It has two double doors that attach to the living room so that we can open it up during recitals. There is a baby grand piano and guitars and a harp (for I have no idea what reason). It is the only non unique boring colored room in the house because it is baige. Up the staires on the first platform is my library. It is full of old books, as well as new and is at least 13 feet tall. It has one large window facing southwest and a window bench. The curtains and what walls caren't covered by the wood bookshelves are green. The dark olive green like in the library in beauty and the beast (I'm pathetic and I know it) From the first landing, my room is up the staires on the right, so my room is above the dinning room and Phils s on the right. I haven't quite decided what to do with the bedrooms, I only know that the 'baby's room' for if I ever have kids is a castle in the clouds. The walls will be blue and white and there will be a castle made out of clouds. The rest is undecided. Anyways, back to the dream, So phil and I are living together as friends. After a year of being together, we are declared common law by the governement, which I personally think is ridiculous because we aren't romantically involved at all but since we live together we are "married" in the eyes of the governement. So we have a mock common law party just for fun. A few years down the road, years filled with dancing and fun and writing (on my part) and working on his. Along the way, I get awarded for my house and its unique design and style. I actually have an incredabily rich woman offer me 10 million dollars for it just the way it is because she love it so much. Now at this point in my life, money is a little tight( I am a writer after all) and I seriously consider her offer. When I bring it to Phil, he says that its my choice. When I remind him that he is an investor and would be entitled to half that money, he reminds me that he knows but that this is my dream home and askes if I really want to give it up, even if it is for a lot of money. That is then followed by a heartfelt conversation about how I always pictured my having kids here and living out my life until I was really Old. He says he would be ok with any decision I made. I decide to keep it, just because it is my dream home and I want to raise my kids there. I'm thirty and I probably won't be getting married so I decide that I want to adopt. So I apply to adoption adgencies. However, in my forgetfull ness, I don't tell Phil So, when the adoption lady comes to visit, to see if I would make a suitable parents and that I have a suitable home she enquires after my lovelife. Apparently, she had done some investigating and knew about the whole common law thing. She asked after my "husband" or "long term boyfriend". And makes a comment about how couples are far better candidates for adoption then a single person. I smile and say Oh well he's at work right now, why don't you come back for dinner to meet him? she agrees. So when Phil gets home from work, I pounce on him with my predicament. Being the sweet guy that he is, He agrees to act like my boyfriend/lover/partner. It is actually fun. She asks us all sorts of questions about our relationship and we reply how we new eachother in junior high and we were reunited in grade 12 by church and we started hanging out a lot more in our second year of university. We both liked eachother but we weren't ready to date. However, we took dance together and we've been great friends ever since. We say we started living together almost 10 years ago and we've been dating since we moved in together. We show her our pictures from our "mock commonlaw party" (minus the telling her about the mock part) When she pops the questions, Is marriage a possibility, I begin to answer when Phil cuts me ofd and replys by putting his arm around me that " It has always been a possibility and hopefully will become a reality very soon. After the adoption lady leaves that evening, we are talking about how we rocked it and staring into eachothers eyes and it just hits me. I still have feelings for him. Except now that are more then just he is cute and nice and a great guy. They are more grown up and true and terrifying at the same time as they are exciting. Little do I know that he is feeling the same repressed affection he felt for me all those years ago. So we kiss and actually start being a couple. Later we'll laugh about how it took up pretending to be going out to realize that we were meant to be together. Everyone else laughed because they had know all along, they were just waiting for us to smarten up. So we adopt a little girl and she skips down the aisle towards her daddy as my flower girl at our wedding. So, I know this is a wack out story and totally not realistic at all, except the dream home part, but it is more or less the reason I said screw it, I will date him. Before I had this dream, I had this gut feeling that everything would go wrong. That we would end up hating one another and I would screw things up yet again. It doesn't help that I have an extremely colorfull habit of hurting the people I care about. Also, the fact that my posey of friends doesn't like him because they are immature and judge him by how he was in junior high. My friend Andrea, who switched into his highschool for grade 12, likes hims because she knows he is different now. The rest of them just don't see it. But screw them and to hell with the fact that I always destroy relationships. I am just going to let this one happen. If it ends in burning flames, which it very well may, or may not, so be it. I am not going to work at it the way I work at my other ones. I am not going to force it to work when It wants to end. I am also going to protect my heart and not dive into it like I do with all my other relationships, heart body and soul. I will be me in my numerous forms and I will accept him for who his is and what he is willing to share with me. I push because I want to know everything and for that I am sorry and I will try to work on it but I know some of the not so great stuff he has done and I'm ok with it. Just like he knows all the stuff i've done and he's still Ok with me. The other thing I like about this is that we are sortof friends but sort of not friends. We've known eachother a long time and we knew eachother when we were different. Now if we crash and burn so be it but I am giving it a chance and If my friends can't accept that or if they still just see it as me doing my dating undeserving guys rut that I've been in for the past while, they aren't true friends and I would be better off without them. (this will totally not be the case but they will lose some importance to me. I'll try to stop telling them everything or going out with them all the time. We have been friends forever so I can't picture us losing touch completely but our relationships will change, thats for sure.) Then again, I don't know If I am making a huge mistake but hell, I'm young and isn't that what we are supposed to do? I do not want to get to the end of my life and not have lived and made mistakes and die alone full of regrets. I want to know, that despite all advesary I went out and lived and loved witht eh best of them and my life was my own. Full of faults full of passion full of tears full of spirit because that is who I am and I want my life to reflect a person who was kind fun loving forgetful and crazy because that is who I am. (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 25th, 2007
6:59 am	The stupid Things I Do So, you know how you keep a diary full of private stuff you never expect anyone to see? And then your mom reads it and you get really mad at her for invading your privacy? So I'm my mom. This is like a diary. I don't really write anything all that intimate or else it wouldn't get posted but I does hold my thoughts and feelings. And I never expected anyone to read it. So what do I do, I go and tell the guy I am almost dating about it and, not surprisingly he reads it. So now he is asking why I didn't just tell him what I wrote or why I didn't just write him a personal letter and the truth is that I never expected him to read it. He said he didn't have a live journal so he couldn't see mine. Now its just another restriction. I can't be as honest or true with myself because I know he might read it and heaven forbid I say something bad or hurtfull. I can't say that I don't think we will last because I don't think we will. I can't say that I don't like how he kisses. I can't be totally honestly anymore because I am a nice person and I don't want to hurt him. On the other hand, I could be totally honest and see where it goes. I kinda like that. No secrets, No lying. Just brutally unsensored bluntness minus the tact. Well, Fine. Here you go. Topic 2 (which was supposed to be topic 1 until I was stupid and gave him my blog adress) My Almighty Crutch So, I have been around guys my whole life and romantically involved since the third grade when I kissed Micheal on the top of his head. I had a guy sleepwalk into my bed by the end of the sixth grade. Sure, my first actually boyfriend wasn't until the 9th grade and it was one of the he wouldn't even hold my hand after two months kind of relationship, but hey, it still counts. I have had a different guy every summer since then. Mostly because I was at summer cadet camps, but since cadets the tradition hasn't changed. True, it isn't always a romantic relationship. The summer before grad 12 I just had a guy with whom I could talk and hang out. ( I was dating Andrew at the time and he was an hour away and never came to visit) Anyways, If you can't tell my now, men are my crutch. I go from one longterm relationship to the next. Maybe with one or two week long flings in between and I don't really get why? I'm pretty, but not gorgeous, I'm smart but not brilliante. I laugh a lot but not always when I'm happy. I'm honest, but usually blunt. Yet somehow I've managed to date more guys then all my friends put together. And, In my eyes, my friends are all prettier, smarter, nicer, sweeter, better women then I will ever be. Sure they drive me insane but the are good to the core, not rotten and decaying like myself. Take today for example, (this is kinda off topic but important to me) I come home and my sister has her friend over. This is a friend who treats my sister like dirt. They are almost always fighting. And this is just this year. Last year, I loved Sab and she and my sister got along great. But ever since she came back from the summer, it hasn't been the same. She is rarely over, she never says thank you and when she does come over she eats and drinks all of my favorite stuff. Anyways, so I walk in and see her and my sister, not fighting watching Gilmore girls. Well I got mad and yelled at my sister for not having done the dishes. I jsut don't understand why she is still friends with her? I guess its cause her friends have always been like that, the kind that use her to get their boyfriends, or because she doesn't have anything to do or anyone else to do it with. The really sad part is that I know I am that kind of friend. The kind that only is a friend when I want to be. The kind that is always fighting and never takes any of the blame on myself ( or at least never shows it because I recognize that I am to blame I am just to proud to admit it aloud.) So back to boys, yeah they are my crutch. And I have had them in all different shapes and sizes and ages and experiences and careers (or lack there off). I think my problem stems back to the whole, If the guy is interested in me, I must have something to offer him. Plus, I always think that I don't deserve them. The problem is that after i've been with them a while and they are flattering me with complements and telling me how pretty and smart I am, I get the notion in my head that I deserve better. If I am so pretty and smart and funny why the hell am I with a going nowhere unattractive guy like that? So we end it, or I end it which is the case... well all but twice in my relationship history. And then, after I end it, why do I fall for the first guy that literally goes stumbling by? Not only is that bad but then I will go out with said stumbler for months because I'm trying to convince myself its not a rebound and its going to work. Well, guess what. Its not. It never does. And it never will. At least not until the right one comes along. Now how do I know which one is right? well, I don't. I just have to pray that he finds me someday. My fear is that I will be trying to make an impossible relationship work when he does come along and I will miss him. But then I can argue, what if when he comes along, I don't realize its him and I pass on by because I'm waiting for the right one? And how do you find the right one? DO all your friends have to like him? Should your parents like him? Should he be a total player? Virgin or no? Fat or skinny? Funny or boring? Inteligent booksmart or lifewise or both? Rich or poor or doesn't really matter? What are the guidelines and if we make our own how and how do we stick to them? I seriously just wish that I could be without guys. No guy friends, no boyfriends, just dear old dad. Not for ever, heavens no. I would like to be a mother one day, but long enough for me to figure out what I want and to get the drive to go get it. And that, I know is asking to much but come on. Anything worth getting is hard to get. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 24th, 2007
6:41 am	Chapter 2: How to be dumped by someone you aren't even dating. So, a lot has happened since my last entry. And it can all be summed up with, I am an idiot. My friend Phil and I get along really well. Or at least we did until I kissed him. Its just that, Jared and I split almost a month ago (that was a 6.5 month relationship), which dictates that I should wait at least 7 weeks before dating someone else. Anyways, I just have so much fun with Phil and I like the way I am, or I should say was with him. I wasn't overly flirtatious and I was honest and true to who I want to be. But ever since we kissed its been like we were dating. One thing I should mention is that Phil went to junior high with me and none of my friends really like him. However, he was a jerk then because everyone was mean to him, which I totally get. However, he has outgrown that. But my friends won't really give him a chance. Even more so if we are dating because they weill a) think I am rebounding or b) think I am trying to piss them off, or, and this is the more likely decision, c) that I am yet again going out with someone who they don't think is good enough for me. It's funny to feel ackward around someone I was so comfortable with. And it is all my fault. It seems like I could take the blame for everything that goes wrong in my relationships. I can't seem to be friends with a guy without him liking me or me liking him at one point in our relationship. That is why I wanted to give me up entirely. If I could go a year without men, I think life would make way more sense. The thing is, everytime a relationship ends, I can find another one. I just want to be happily single until the day I die. Or at least until people stop thinking I can't live without one. But no, I always do this and it is driving me insane. The story behind the Phil and me thing is that we almost dated before Jared and I got together. He, however, was going to be working away from town during the summer. I didn't want to restrict myself so I said we would wait until september. That way, I could have a summer fling, which was Jared. Then Jared and I kept dating. Phil sorta fell out of the picture until we broke up. Now that he is back, I feel like I owe it to him and to myself to try. I mean, I promised we would date if I didn't meet someone. But I did. And now, I feel like I am doing the same thing by waiting the respective 7 weeks until I start another relationship. But deep down, I know I am putting it off not because I don't like the guy, because I do, but because I know I am not ready for a relationship. either that or I don't want one with him. Anyways, when I told him I wanted to wait until February and stop the whole, more then friends, part of our relationship, he stopped talking and then said we would discuss face to face. Which means he is probably going to give me an ultimatum. And when he looks at me with those puppy dog eyes, my heart is going to fold and I will say yes. And my friends will hate him and me for dating him. And I will hate myself for not being able to do this one stupid respectfull thing and he won't know the depth of this hate and hurt until out of the blue ( for him at least) I will end it. And we will never speak again. Which wouldn't be so bad if I didn't actually think I liked him. But I am pretty sure I do. I just don't know if it is enough to overcome everything and actually have a good healthy relationship, which, by the way, I have never had. Well, heres to the hell upon which myself I bring. (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 18th, 2007
6:30 am	Euphoria Euphoria is a feeling of happiness, confidence, or well-being sometimes exaggerated in pathological states as mania. And it is the only way to describe how today was. The problem is, I have no idea why. I was late getting up this morning but I made it to class. I couldn't figure out a homework problem and I asked the teacher about it and he told me the answer and it was ridiculously easy. Then I ran out of paper but I got some from my sisters friend when I dropped off a text book. Next, I asked a classmate of mine if I could go in her group and she told me that her group was full. I said it was fine despite the fact that I know have to ask someone I don't know if I can join there group and that is not something I do. Anyways, Then I went to get my oil changed in my car. There was a long line up ahead of me so I did homework. Surprisingly it only took an hour and they replaced my headlight and it was a lot cheaper then I thought it would be. Next I went to visit my parents. My dad was on the phone and my mom was still at work. So I went in the hot tub and did some more homework. While I was online, Andrew talked to me (which he hasn't done in pretty much since we broke up 3 years ago. Then my mom came home. Unfortunaly, I had to go to work so I didn't get to talk to her. On the way to work there was a major accident and I got held up in traffic. Since I don't know my work number I had to 411 it. And they gave me the wrong library so I had to ask them for my branches number. However, I got through and I told them I would be late. I was half an hour late for work so I had to stay half an hour later. This was fine because my classe doesn't start until 6:30 and I usually only work until 5:30. Work was great. The delivery was still waiting for me so I unpacked it, tagged it and started putting ANF away. (that is my favorite) I managed to more or less finish my cart. I also picked up a whole bunch of books about California and Las Vegas so we can decide what we are doing on our road trip. So after work I still had some time before my class. So I went to see if Kristen was in RES She didn't answer her door so I called her cell. SHe didn't answer that either. So I just went to class early. I got mondays test back and I got 30% on one part and 80% on the other. We took another test and did some exercises which involved me talking to my classmates (which is something I don't really do) Afterwards I called Kristen and I was just bouncing off the wall. I think she got maybe two words in in out entire conversation. I guess the only way I can explain it is euphoria. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 17th, 2007
4:06 am	Real life vs fantasy So the reason I love work so much is the fact that it is more or less mindless. I am a librarian so my job mostly consists of me putting books away all day. Anyways, mix that with my over zealous imagination and you get, well, a very interesting combination. take for example today. My "dream" was that my ex somehow, in an accident of some kind, is suffering from amnesia. However, it is not total amnesia. He has simply forgotten the past 3 odd years. It all starts when he wakes up from this accident and he is asking after me. His current girlfriend is a complete tool and really doesn't care about him. He likes he because she is hot. Anyways, so he is really confused by all these people coming and visiting him, friends that he has made in the past 3 years while he has been in Saskachewan. And he is continuously asking for me. So his parents call me up and ask if I can come and talk to him because no one is getting through to him that it is 2007 and he is done highschool. ( he thinks he is about to start grade 12.) His parents tell me when they call that he keeps going on and on about how I am going to be so upset because he missed our first date after having been apart for the summer. (in reality we did spend the summer apart and we split shortly thereafter) ANYWAYS, so his parents beg me to come. I am in the middle of a childrens program when I get the call. I finish reading the story and then I get in my car and drive to saskatoon. I arrive at the hospital and talk to his parents. I express my concerns that my being here will probably confuse him more because we haven't spoken since high school. His doctor says by my being here, I may be able to begin triggering memories which will bring him back up to date. So I go see him. He is so excited to see me. And he explains how he is so sorry to have missed out date. I sit and tell him that he didn't miss it. He was actually early, for once. Then I went on to say that we broke up and he ask why. I explain that I cheated on him. He asked what he did to deserve that, and I reply nothing. I go on to explain how, after we broke up in september, I dated someone else. He and I didn't talk until just before Christmas when he told me he missed me and that he didn't realize how much he liked having me until I was gone. When Javin and I broke up, Andrew and I started dating again, on and off. When Javin's grandmother died, I was there for him, which put even more strain on mine and Andrews already fragile relationship. We had been going ok about a month before graduation. We had always said we would go together and we did. He told me that day that he had something to tell me. When I saw him at grad, he told me. He had gotten a scholarship to study in Saskatoon. Back when we had applied for schools, I had applied there too, just in case that was where he was going to go. He had told me later, that though he had gotten in there, he was probably going to stay here because it was cheaper. He wouldn't have to find a place to live and he'd have all his friends. Because of this, I never really followed through with my application. When he told me at graduation that he was going to leave, my heart broke. He didn't even ask me to follow him.(which was really not all that unexpected but looking back on it I realized that if he had asked me to come with him I would have know he still loved me and wanted to be with me despite everything. Instead he said nothing, which would have been totally fine if I hadn't been an idiot.) That night, I ran into my ex and I kissed him. It was wrong and I know that now but it happened and I couldn't take it back. So I told Andrew. THings went downhill from there, no surprise. He cheated on me with another girl from school, we stopped hanging out as much. I kissed javin again. Needless to say, it was over. And All this I told him. He was in awe by the way I had acted. He says, I don't get it. Then why are you here now. And I told him that losing him had made me realize how selfish I had been. That I had changed since then and it was all because of what had happened. I had grown up into a person who didn't want to and would never hurt anyone that way again. My heart had been broken into a million pieces and it was all my fault. (This of course I didn't say to him) I was there because he had been asking after me and the doctors thought that my being there might trigger a chain reaction that could bring him back to the present. He was quiet for a while, absorbing all I had told him. I shuffled nervously and then said, I should be going. He asked me if I would come back tomorrow. I replied if he would like and he said he would. The next afternoon, I showed up as his girlfriend was leaving. She introduced herself and said she was just stopping by to tell him she was leaving school to go model for a while. She said she was happy to meet me. When i went in, Andrew said in that annoyed voice of his. I don't know what I see in her. All she could talk about was herself and shopping and modeling. I don't think she had one brain in her body. And I replied, yeah but look at that body. She's gorgeous, superficial I am sure but there is probably something deeper that you see after getting to know her. She is nothing like you, he replied Yeah, well, thats probably a good thing considering how things turned out. He said, yeah on that subject, why didn't I stop you? Uh? I replied Why didn't I ask you to come with me? How did things get so wacked? When you find out, feel free to fill me in? I answered, because I have no idea He gave me that goofy, man I am in love with him smile. We talked more about my life since then. He said he was sorry he hadn't kept in touch. I told him that I hadn't made the effort either. It was nice to get it all off my shoulders, though I did feel a little guilty that only an amnesia inducing accident could bring me to be honest with him I told him I had to leave because I had school in the morning and I still had to make it home. He said he was going to miss me and he promised to keep in touch. That was it. My daydream ended there. I wish I could say we reconciled for real but it was only a dream. Most of it is true, the emotions I feel and felt. I think my dreams are my subconsciences way of trying to tell me to tell him the truth instead of just blaming myself over and over, like I rightfully should. The thing I really love about my daydreams is that they all have potential to become true. Maybe not in the extreme ways such as amnesia inducing accidents, but that one day I will have the courage and/or lose the stubbornness that keeps me from telling him. I know he doesn't return the feelings and I know I don't deserve him but I still subconsciously hold on. I'm not looking for forgiveness, or for him to take part of the blame because he has already done that. I think I am waiting to forgive myself and for some reason I can't seem to do that. But never fear. It will happen and on that day I will be set free from my imagination and finally be able to put my heart back together. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 16th, 2007
5:42 am	Focus Why is it that we sometimes cannot control how we feel or what we think? and we more from one random thought to another. Take today for example. One minute I was thinking about work and studying for school, the next minute I was caught in thoughts about my ex and the next I was stuck in some memory about band camp 5 years ago or at least making up a senario (a non romantic one) about someone who was with me in band camp 5 years ago. Why is it that after 2 years of 5 years that we still remember random thougths and feelings? My belief is that smells or songs or names trigger these emotions. Only the good die young and Penticton = Andrew, Bonnyville= Jaques, What amazes me is how, in these moments, just after the thought is triggered, I remember with such clarity and depth that/those moments held for me. And most of them aren't even special. They are barely worth remembering. Yet there they are. Funny, uh? (Comment on this)
Monday, January 15th, 2007
3:22 am	Relationships Which is harder: Starting a Relationship or ending one?. And how do you really do either. Picking up guys isn't that hard but finding the right one to date seems like it could take a life time. And then, when you finally decide to rid yourself of one who isn't right, you have to deal with all the guilt of hurting their feeling. Any Ideas? (Comment on this)